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Ladies, it’s time to wake up YOUR Sleeping Beauty. There is an unconscious part of us as women that actually engages in our own exploitation. It is a form of mindlessness that we have absorbed since we were little girls. We take part in the commodification of our bodies and our sexuality with very little awareness, and I’ve reached a point in observing this that I cannot stand by without sharing my perspective MORE FIERCELY than usual. I hope that the words in this post will be your Print Charming– Ok, bad pun– but the idea is that these words serve to awaken you from your coma, dear Sleeping Beauty. This is another long post, so get cozy…
We teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. What we believe about ourselves we broadcast out into the Universe and that signal comes back in the form of the people and circumstances we attract into our lives. From the time we are young girls we get messages from all around us that we MUST change our physical appearance in a variety of ways. The first place seems to be our weight, and I see little girls as young as 10 already obsessing about it and dieting. Without questioning why, we just start doing things because everyone else does; like messing around with our eyebrows as a simple example. Now lest I appear judgmental about what women choose to do as their beauty rituals, let me say this. I have no objection to WHAT you do so much as I ask WHY do you do what you do? Do you know? Have you ever stopped to ask yourself or have you just always done so? So many women spend crazy amounts of time, money and mental energy on a multitude of appearance changing/enhancing products and services, chasing that “ideal” beauty standard and the perfection of our outsides. Those products and services can alter your appearance so much that in some cases you just don’t look like you. I saw a recent report that said women will spend an average of $15,000 in their lifetime on makeup alone! Not to mention all the other services and products. The list is endless really because the industry keeps finding ways to tell you that you’re so flawed and unattractive and will never find a man unless you invest in the latest way to become perfect. So again, I ask you, have you ever actually stopped to ask yourself why? If your first thoughts are things like, “well, I would look like hell otherwise,” or “I hate my ___” fill in the blank, then I suggest that you’ve been asleep and manipulated most of your life. If you are doing these things because you don’t feel good enough, then I invite you to revisit doing them at all. If you do them consciously and you do them FOR YOURSELF, that’s a different story.
I want to ask you, what are you really saying about yourself and what do you really expect to gain when you promote yourself from the outside? What is the payoff? When it’s all about what you look like and you keep shape shifting to conform to someone else’s idea of beauty and sexiness, you live in terror of being seen as you really are. BUT IT’S NOT YOU FAULT, LADIES. Your self-esteem and self-worth have been systematically and brutally hijacked from your being, so that you have no choice, from that paralyzed, numb place, to adopt the media-driven ideas of what makes a woman desirable and wanted. It is from this place that our bodies and our sexuality become commodities.
Now let’s turn to how we exploit our own sexuality. I live in Los Angeles and move through the world and see this obsession with manipulating our appearances and pandering the “come fuck me” mindset. I see women walking in heels so high that they could literally fall off of them and hurt themselves — in the supermarket! I hear women’s conversations as an outsider and with friends. There is such a focus on sexiness. And so much of the conversation revolves around men and how to “get” them, and sex seems to be the bait, based on how we are focused on our outsides. I see this bartering happening energetically in an unspoken way between men and women. Yes, women’s bodies have been exploited throughout history, but when WE take part in this desecration, we are basically saying, “this is all I’m worth. The way I look IS my value. If I’m not fuckable, I’m worthless.” What we don’t understand is that if you actually held your sexuality at such a high value within you, you would attract a man who would have to step up to a place of integrity within himself in order to be with you. From that place you wouldn’t attract someone interested in the shiny outsides, or who just wanted to fuck you. The use-you kind of fuck, not the really good kind. When we live focused on our bodies and our sexuality as our value, we set ourselves up to be used.
When we think so little of ourselves, our bodies, our sexuality, when we give our souls away to look good and use that looking good to seduce a man, what caliber of man could that possibly be? We aren’t asking much of that man, so he shows up in the smallest version of himself and the most unworthy version of himself to match the unworthiness we feel about ourselves. And we complain about HIM, but we are creating that reality. I hope this post will cause an awakening within you that will allow you to see things from a perspective that will honor you, ALL of you. When you do, you will discover your true value, worth and inherent power, which has nothing to do with your appearance. If every woman in the world took this stance, I believe there would be an amazing caliber of men on this planet. We want better quality men but we are teaching them to expect so little, so they don’t have to step up and deliver with integrity. I see the responsibility on both sides of the equation, with both genders, but ladies, the real power is within us to change all this. But are we too busy looking in the mirror to even see our power and all that we are capable of being?
Are you willing to take an honest look at how you may be unconsciously exploiting your body and your sexuality? I’m asking you to look at YOUR MOTIVES underneath it all; to make what’s been unconscious and robotic, conscious. We have to stop complaining about being used for sex, when we mindlessly walk around grooming ourselves to promote the message that that’s all we are good for. If you want love AND sex, are you really sending out the right signals?
I’m not saying don’t dress the way you want to or to cover yourself up. I love being a woman and I dress the way I want to express my beauty, but my sexuality is not an advertisement that precedes my entrance into the room. Nor is it the primary form of communication I use. I am sick and tired– yes angry– at seeing young girls taken advantage of because the world we live in sexualizes them so much that they now joke about rape. I am sick and tired of seeing young girls unable to say no to advances, because at an early age they, too, fall into this deep slumber and believe that’s what they’re here on Earth for, and that being wanted this way makes them special or validates them. I’m sick and tired of seeing grown women aging and believing that they have no worth, spending even more of their hard-earned money to try to chase youth and get rid of the wrinkles so they can reclaim their desirability and “value.” Doesn’t this piss you off, too?
Your sexuality is a gift and a force. Explore it, get to know and understand it, and do not allow it to be pillaged or to take part in the ways of our world that promote you as a valueless shell for someone to use and never know YOU; your heart, your soul, your real face. When you come from a place of honoring your sexuality, it can feed you in ways that you cannot imagine because we live in a sexually shallow society. One which, by the way, still fears the true depth, intensity and hunger of female sexuality. When you live in integrity with this part of you, you will attract a higher caliber of man, one who values your sexuality as well, one who has great respect and integrity within himself and for himself, and one with whom you can have mind-blowing otherworldly sex. So ladies, stop complaining about the man. Part of my inspiration to write this piece was hearing so many women complaining about them.
Know this, too. It’s a lonelier place when you live this way, in the sense that until all women live this way, it will take a while for the world of men to understand the old rules no longer apply, but you will TRULY feel better about yourself and from a place of deep self-love you will know a new kind of joy. I learned this personally the hard way, but it is the absolute truth.
This deep slumber that we are in also keeps women from bonding with each other. When you are living this superficial life chasing the perfect body and working the best seduction tools, when a beautiful woman walks into the room, you go into comparison. competition, insecurity and bitchiness. You look her over and try to pick her apart in order to elevate yourself because your yardstick for value is your appearance. When you are living in integrity with your body/sexuality, when a beautiful woman walks into the room, you can admire her. You want to know her. You are drawn to her. You recognize her as your sister.
As I wrap this up, (because clearly I could go on and on and on :)) let me leave you with some questions to ponder. What if you could wake up naked lying alone or next to your man/lover/partner, no makeup, hair however it chooses to be, and feel so comfortable in your skin? What if being that way was the most sensuous feeling? What if you threw away your scale and just didn’t give a fuck? What if you stopped trying to change your appearance via whatever tools you use, no longer spending money and time obsessing about them? What if you chose nurturing and beautifying rituals instead of appearance altering ones? Why do you do what you do? Is it because everyone else does? Is it because you feel unattractive? Do you use your sexuality to “get” attention and men? What do you really feel about your value and your worth as a person? As a woman? Are you doing all those self-modifications and still alone, if getting that man is what drives you? Are you part of the Victorias Sheepret parade, following the herd? (okay, that was a weird one, I admit, but you get my point.)
If you have a daughter or wish to one day, would you want her to think so little of herself that she would follow this life path?
Enough said? This is a lot, and I hope my words will open some doors to exploration that will lead you more fully into the depth and fullness of who you really are. Think of this post as the kiss that woke up Sleeping Beauty…yes,that would be you. But this is no fairy tale, it’s your life.
Men reading this, I hope you will take the time to reflect on what value you place on women unconsciously, and share this post with the women you know. Try to put yourself in our shoes — The high-heeled ones that are hard to walk in, and see if you can find a place where you can show up differently in how you relate with women.
If all of this begs the question how do you get out of this maze and live authentically, I am teaching a two-hour interactive webinar with live Q&A at the end. Click on the link for details about the webinar, HOW TO LOVE THE BODY YOU LIVE IN, with real tools to achieve liberation from this prison. And please, if this moved you, touched you, stirred you, please share it…And take the time to reflect on the questions I’ve posed here.
I am DEEPLY committed to each one of you and taking a stand for all that you can be and helping to liberate you from all of the boxes we live in, so that you can just shine your bright, authentic beauty and radiance into this world which so needs who YOU are.
And finally, I would love to have you join my e-mail list. There’s an opt-in box on the bottom of this page, just below you. And visit my website for more to inspire you…