As I begin this post, I can feel that it will be raw, visceral and deep. So grab your beverage of choice and sit with me in a place of no distraction. This topic is important, for both women and men.
The primary focus of my work, as many of you know, is teaching women the powerful and unique language of their bodies as a path for transformation. Women’s bodies speak a particular language, via our reproductive experiences; namely the menstrual cycle, pregnancy and menopause, and also via our sexuality.
After a recent conversation with a woman about her sexuality and these body messages, I began to think about the vagina (often I will refer to as yoni) and its profound wisdom and vulnerability in our lives. There are a range of experiences women have which involve this portal, both literally and spiritually. In the normal spectrum, there is giving birth, to our monthly cycles, to sex, to the undesirable experiences of rape and sexual violence in all forms, as well as female genital mutilation. Our vaginas are messengers and teachers, yet many women have shame, fear, ignorance, and numbness, to name just a few, around this area of their bodies.
Vulnerability is defined most simply as capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt. For most men, and many women, the word vulnerability provokes discomfort. Why would anyone want to be vulnerable? Because without vulnerability, we are closed. When we are closed, we cannot receive love and the many other blessings which are possible within the range of our human experience. The key is to be vulnerable and to have discernment. This is a gift of the vagina. Whether women realize it or not, your vagina speaks to you via body messages even when you are not tuned in to your truths. It is a vulnerable space and yet it is capable of stretching to birth a child. It has a profound physical resilience. Its vulnerability lies in its connection to our hearts. Its discernment is mind-blowingly clear through the messages it delivers to a woman’s body as feedback.
In teachings on tantra and other sacred texts, there is a known connection and polarity between a woman’s heart and her vagina/yoni, and a man’s heart and his penis. In a woman, the positive pole is her heart/breasts and the negative is the vagina. In a man, his heart is the negative pole and his penis is the positive. When a man and a woman embrace in a normal hug and/or sexually, these poles are activated in the same way that battery cables work. For women, the vulnerability of our hearts is tied to our vaginas. Any woman knows, and men should, that when a woman opens her heart, her legs are powerless to remain closed. When a woman surrenders her heart, her sexuality comes alive. And this is where the vulnerability of the vagina begins. In entering a woman sexually, her heart is also entered, even if she feels closed, as in casual sex.
Many women today are engaging in sex without an awareness of this aspect of themselves. But the vagina knows, even if you are completely oblivious. When a woman allows a man to fuck her without a heart connection, or respect at a minimum, penetration becomes denigration. A woman KNOWS when his has happened because she feels used, empty, sad, depressed. There are many, many shades and flavors to sexuality. When the vagina is accessed without connection, women suffer on various levels. And your body WILL tell you when a man has no business being inside you. And this doesn’t apply just to casual sex, but also to any relationship or marriage. We all choose unwisely at times in our lives, myself included. But your vagina invariably knows the truth.
How? For starters, immediately after being with a man, if it’s a situation where you’ve been used, or a relationship that has never honored you, you just feel empty. Many, many women know this place as not wanting to have sex, but doing it anyway. Some women may be unaware of this emptiness if it’s been the way you’ve done sex your whole life or for a protracted period of time, but there is an emptiness, and often there are tears, if not immediately in his presence, later when you are alone. When you’ve chosen wisely, you feel CONNECTED, more connected to that man after being penetrated by him. And penetration by him is beyond his penis. When a man truly penetrates a woman, the WHOLE woman and not just the hole of a woman, he finds his own heart and all of the polarities come alive. There is vulnerability and trust. A woman may cry after this kind of sex as well, but the tears will be very different because they will be from a place of being embraced rather than used, a place of connection rather than disconnection, a place that reached into her heart – and his.
I’ve worked with women who were sleeping with men that they knew were wrong for them, yet they continued to have sex with them. Often, your body will create physical dis-ease as a message to you about your choice. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve encountered this phenomenon in my work with women. I remember one client would get a yeast infection every time after sleeping with this man she was attached to. Her vagina’s wisdom was literally speaking to her, telling her this man was wrong for her. I’ve seen women get bladder infections as well after sexual encounters with men who were bad choices for them. Cervical issues as well are often body wisdom messengers speaking to a woman about how she is not honoring herself. Many women will have an intensification of menstrual pain, if they are prone to it normally, and women who normally don’t experience PMS will while in a relationship, sexual or otherwise, that does not honor them. Ladies, you KNOW. You may be choosing to ignore that you know, but in that deepest part of you, there is wisdom.
Someone shared with me recently that they read an article saying that it’s impossible to have a vaginal orgasm, that there’s no such thing. That’s utterly ridiculous. When a woman’s body is shut down emotionally or indulging in fast food sex, which is the cultural norm, there is a lack of vulnerabilty IN HER HEART. Remember the vagina and heart are connected. If your heart is closed and you have sex with someone without connection, orgasm is not possible vaginally for most women. Vaginal orgasms are the deepest, most profound form of orgasm. Many women are getting off on jackhammer vibrators, using only clitoral stimulation, which only promotes more desensitization, resulting in more of an inability to feel the subtleties within the vagina. It’s aggressive, surface stimulation, and I know that many men feel with penetration they can’t compete with those quickie surface orgasms. It deprives them of an ability to become great lovers if women seem to only want to get off clitorally. Deep, vulnerable, heart and soul-stirring orgasms come with a willingness to choose openness of your heart and the wisdom to discern whether you should open your legs to this man. That is why women are finding it difficult to have vaginal orgasms, not because they don’t exist, but because our relationship to our vaginas and our hearts is so fragile.
When a woman allows a man to f.u.c.k. (my definition: f.ree u.nrestrained c.onnection to k.undalini) her from a place of heart connection, both can let their freak flags fly. All those shades of our sexuality, when done from a place of real connection and trust, can be incredible to experience, and promote the deepest of intimacy. But when we allow men into this vulnerable place, using that definition of vulnerable I mentioned earlier, our bodies know immediately if we can trust him. If a woman is tuned in to herself and the subtle energies that we have access to through our vaginas, that knowing is unmistakable. If you are tuned in to your body in general, you know before you ever get to the point of penetration. But we often ignore that voice that tells us not to go there. And then when we do, it’s like we have broken our own hearts. If we can’t say the word vagina, if we can’t look at it, touch it and have pleasure through it, then we are disconnected from its wisdom consciously, but it will speak to you via the body messages I’ve mentioned above, and more. Even if you don’t physical issues related to your vagina, depression will often be the messenger.
There is another layer of vulnerability to the vaginas of women who have been victims of sexual abuse or rape. In my work with women in this area, I see that women cope with this painful violation — which is of the soul, and not just the body — in different ways. Some avoid sex. Some indulge in lots of disconnected sex. Some eat their unprocessed feelings, and put on weight as a way of protecting themselves, with the idea that if they are overweight, they won’t become victims of sexual violation again. These are but a few shades, as each woman deals with this trauma in different ways. Even for those that go through some form of healing, their vulnerability in this area is even greater than women who have not suffered this abuse. Men need to understand this, and women need to honor this piece if it is part of their life’s truth. I don’t think that men truly understand what it means to be penetrated. To have a man enter into this vulnerable place. The only analogy I could possibly offer is for a straight man to experience anal penetration. For most straight men, it provokes vulnerability. Here we are in a society where we are barely able to look each other in the eyes, to penetrate each other in our gaze. Yet often women allow themselves to be penetrated vaginally without an awareness of the sacredness of their bodies. When was the last time you were with a man sexually and you were able to hold each other’s gaze? Do you allow him to penetrate you without being seen? The eyes are the window to your soul. If you’re unwilling to allow access to being penetrated through your eyes, how can you possibly allow vaginal penetration. It’s an act of disrespect. And men, how can you not see the woman, the human being, the soul that you desire? How can you fuck a woman without caring who she is? Women, if you value yourself more, you wouldn’t find yourself with a man who would do this to you, and if you did, you’d walk away. The more you learn to honor what you carry between your legs, the more you will understand its connection to your heart. The more you honor your heart, the more you will be unable to allow sexual penetration of this vulnerable, sacred space.
Couples who have love and trust can explore 50 shades of gray, and every other color under the sun. Sexual exploration is vital to our understanding of who we are, but for a woman, opening to allow those experiences with a man who doesn’t value her, honor her, will make her feel used, violated. Without intimacy and trust between two people, we are violating ourselves repeatedly. I believe that the kind of sexual experiences people are longing to have can only happen in a SATISFYING way if the people involved have that heart connection, that trust, that intimacy. Women, you know. And you must listen in order to take care of your own heart.
In our culture today, so many men are using women’s bodies as receptacles for their pleasure, dismissing and discarding the heart and soul of women. And many believe that women are okay with it. Many women falsely believe they have to comply with “men’s needs” in order to have a man, so they make themselves okay with it. I’m offering a different perspective. Men reading this, I ask you to dig deep within you and try to imagine the vulnerabilty of penetration for a woman, and the pain and hurt you can cause by just not giving a damn about her, using her only to get off on. Even if you think she’s okay with it, even if she says she is, many women are so wounded and blocked here, from so much pain, that they are numb. The harm you do by using a woman at any time is beyond my ability to convey to you with words. I am not asking you to read a woman’s mind. I am simply asking you to examine your motives. If you know you’re only using her for sex, perhaps you could make a different choice. You know what your intention is. Be mindful of that. Find a place inside you that honors women, our bodies, our hearts, and that vulnerable portable you are all so fond of inhabiting. It’s not yours to take ownership of or to use as you wish. Women, you MUST stop allowing this to happen. We have the power through honoring ourselves to put an end to this. We have the power to educate men with love and grace by simply standing in our own self-love and self-respect. We don’t have to make men wrong in order to change this. I also believe that when women honor men and stop vilifying them, men in turn will honor women. When we understand this simple truth, our relationship to each other will be transformed, and we will learn to truly serve each other.
With love & blessings,